im laughing so hard

a dying star right before our eyes



How to make a female celebrity that’s relatable to the current generation, a handy guide:

So you’re looking to make a female celebrity, but you want her to be relatable to the current generation. Seems like a pretty impossible task, right? First, let’s see how the music industry does things with the virgin/whore dichotomy. In the 90s, the music industry would make every female popstar or begin as a virgin. Songs about how to earn their trust if you want to take them on a date or how they hate highschool gossip, usually with innuendo that could slightly hint at sexuality, were commonplace on their first album. As time progressed (usually by the second album), they would have made the transition to the ‘whore’. Controversial film clips and songs about being spanked and various other innuendo became commonplace.

They did this so that their fans could make the progression with them, first identifying with them in their early teens as a positive and relatable influence and then as a symbol of their own sexuality as they began discovering it. And in the 90s, this worked. But in the 00s this trick seemed to be failing. So what did the music industry do? It further split the virgin whore dichotomy with an untraversable valley. Now their stars either start as virgins and remain virgins throughout , or they start as whores and continue spiraling in a controversial media storm of whoredom. 

But what about the film industry? Well, they tried to emulate the music industry, but as their shiny virgins made the transition to the whore side of the dichotomy they spun out of control and lost their following.

This created a large gap in the relatable celebrity market for young women, and people were running out of ideas. It seemed that no matter how many happy, healthy virgins were thrown at todays teens, they seemed too apathetic and self-involved to latch on. So what did they do? They made an apathetic and self-involved heroine out of a remarkably apathetic and almost overly sardonic celebrity.

While this was their most successful attempt in a decade, the results were split right down the middle. This celebrity definitely had a strong following, but she also had incredibly vocal detractors that seemed to loathe her. This meant that the film industry had to go back to basics and answer one very fundamental question; Who is the female teenager of the 00s? The results were startling. They found that here in the 00s, be it because of Elmo, the internet or video games, literally everyone has ADHD. Also, the limitless free expression enabled through the internet had made everyone suffer from a disorder in which they considered themselves to be ‘special snowflakes’, thinking that their every thought was worthy of a status, tweet, blog or worse yet, vlog. The confidence that this snowflake syndrome caused combined with the ADHD made these teens completely loathable in reality, which meant that in real life they were nowhere near as popular as they felt they deserved to be. To avoid the painful cognitive dissonance that would be caused by thinking themselves to be wonderful expressive indaviduals while being hated by social society, they had also decided to label themselves weird. Crazy. Quirky. Phrases like “People don’t get me because I’m so random lol whatever penguin XD” popped up in about mes all over the internet. 

How could this mess of information possibly help construct a relatable celebrity? Enter Jennifer Lawrence. She is everything that the youth of today see themselves as. Beautiful without realizing it, quirky in unexpected ways, talented yet modest; A breaker of every mold. 

But this still left the important question of sexuality. After decades of placing such importance on the virgin/whore dichotomy, where would this awkward snowflake fit in? This was perhaps the most masterful stroke of all; She wouldn’t. She would simply ignore her sexuality in person, never mentioning it or seemingly acting on it, yet she would appear in multiple artsy yet erotic photoshoots. The idea came from the various teen blogs in which the blogger would spend her day talking about fandoms, food and her other virgin interests before suddenly posting awkward topless webcam shots in the middle of the night. 

So there you have it! Here is your new relatable female celebrity, we hope you enjoy her.